Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize