The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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