if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
