I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
