HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
