My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
