I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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