I cannot find my penis.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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