My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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