shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
