I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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