I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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