Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
