I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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