I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
