She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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