you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
