sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
