I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
