God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
false alarm. still invincible.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
