i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
