Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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