$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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