just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
