I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
