Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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