This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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