I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
