The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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