I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
