Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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