If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
