Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
