I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
