If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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