I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
