Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
