Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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