the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
