My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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