so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
