I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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