His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
