I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize