i wish starbucks made bloody marys
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
