One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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