you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
