hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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