After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
