I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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