is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize