I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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