You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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