Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
