Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize