I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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