atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
