Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
