that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
